Karen and Janie go head to head with the Full English

Everyone had plans last weekend, so Karen and I decided we wanted to go somewhere too. This weekend was Bank Holiday, so we didn't have classes today (May 5), so all of the hotels (except the expensive ones) were already booked for Wales and Scotland. Instead, we left Friday morning after class for Portsmouth and then took a ferry to the Isle of Wight, off the southern English coast.
We were really excited because I booked a bed and breakfast over the phone, and the man who answered had the cutest British accent in the world. It simply boded well. After living here for three months you'd think we would have gotten over the accent, but we haven't completely. When the taxi dropped us off, we felt exactly like Cameron Diaz's character in The Holiday, because Seaview looked exactly like Surrey did in the movie. Val showed us all of the rooms so we could pick the one we liked the most, and she spent a long time explaining where the nearest restaurants were and how much her grandson enjoys the flamingo park down the road. This was how our love for Val, the 70-year-old wino, began.

So after that Karen and I went for a long walk... down muddy country roads and along the beach and to a wildlife reserve... and of course for curry at a seaside restaurant. These days (Indian) curry is the most British meal you can eat, at least according to the younger generation. Almost everything on the island closes by 5 p.m., so we eventually wandered back to the bed and breakfast that night to watch some TV (the first time in months!!). Val insisted on making us a Full English Breakfast the next morning ("What time would you like breakfast? PLEASE not before 9 a.m.!!" hahaha), and Karen and I laid in bed with dread. We had never actually tried a Full English breakfast, but baked beans and fried tomatoes didn't sound appropriate in the morning and we weren't sure how we were going to hide our distaste. Eventually we agreed that maybe our experience would be like mine with Canadian lobster rolls -- gross until you actually tried it. Maybe.

The next morning we wandered downstairs, determined to eat the Full English like big girls. There were four places set in the dining room, but luckily for us they chose to eat in the kitchen. I say this only because it allowed us to carry out our intricate plan that I'll explain now, not because we don't enjoy Dave and Val's company. The traditional Full English breakfast looks just like this:

Bacon and eggs with fried toast, fried mushrooms, a sausage, baked beans and a fried tomato. They also insisted on making us normal toast on the side, but since Karen is a celiac and can't eat wheat, I ended up eating 6 pieces of toast plus the cereal. Karen ate my tomato and we made our best attempt with the beans, but then wondered, perplexed, what we would do with the mushrooms. Neither of us had brought a purse and we doubted that Tuftee, the family dog, would want them either. Finally, I wrapped mine in a napkin and stuck them in my skirt. Since Karen had eaten my tomato, I took hers too, and then she blocked my exit from the kitchen when we thanked Val and Dave, so they wouldn't notice my newly acquired bulge.

Since we didn't want them to find their mushrooms in the trash bin, I ran to the bathroom to unload my mushrooms since Karen noticed they were starting to leave a stain. As soon as I flushed, Karen ran in to stop me and suggest we take them to a bin in town instead. But they were already in the toilet and it wouldn't flush!! Desperately, Karen grabbed a plastic cup and I went to the bedroom to find a plastic bag. Karen fished the mushrooms out, deposited them in the bag and hid them in her purse until we could find a better resting place. We had conquered the Full English! At least until the next day.

Saturday was nice, we walked around Ryde to look for a hairdresser, went to a chocolate shoppe/cafe, picked up some groceries, went to the flamingo park, explored... and then later that night we ordered Chinese and Val suggested we eat in the kitchen, which I think was a sneaky way to join us and chat, though we weren't about to protest. So Val brought us plates, cutlery, glasses... plus a heating tray to keep the Chinese warm, and settles in to tell us stories about her days as an English teacher, the time her husband proposed to her drunk, how she was engaged three times to different men before getting married, her kids, her grandkids, the people who have stayed at her bed and breakfast, Tuftee, and prejudice. It was when she started to slur her words that we noticed she was completely drunk and the wine bottle was almost empty. Oh, Val.

Saturday's Full English went much more smoothly since Karen and I actually had a game plan going in. I ate her toast, hid the mushrooms in my purse, while she ate my bacon and the tomato. For those of you who know me, it might seem weird that Karen ate my bacon since I love bacon, but keep in mind that British bacon is more like really salty ham, and not like "normal" bacon. Anyway, when we left again to go to a nearby vineyard, I stashed the mushrooms in a trash bin along the way. Janie and Karen: 2, Full English Breakfast: 0.

But we weren't sure if we were up to sneaking around for three breakfasts in a row, so on Sunday night we carefully mentioned that we were meeting friends for breakfast on Monday morning, though Val insisted we at least let her make us toast and tea and coffee. I felt terrible. That same night Karen and I stuck our heads in the living room to ask if the ferries would be running today since it is Bank Holiday here, and before knocking we noticed another wine bottle on the kitchen table was completely empty. We smiled at each other and nodded: YES! Val would be drunk again!

Drunk she was. She told us the same four stories about her grandkids at least twice each and then suddenly laughed and looked at Tuftee and said "I locked her out last night. I must have been drunk!" Which was terribly ironic and endearing, because I don't think she realized she was drunk the second time. Staying with Val and Dave was definitely the best accommodation experience I've had on this entire trip, so I'm looking forward to telling my beppe (grandma) about it. My grandfather has always teased her for wanting to go to bed and breakfasts. Val and Dave are adorable, though. I think I might have even seen tears in Val's eyes when we left this morning. They're such sweet people and we couldn't have asked for better hosts.

Photo: Val, Tuftee, Karen and I chatting in the living room about the night before, when Val locked Tuftee outside. haha